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.. you guys all talk about it, now get it straight from my mouth ..

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January 5th, 2005


12:34 am


Milkshake by Kelis





"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
And they're like, it's better than yours
Damn right it's better than yours
I could teach you
But I have to charge"

You can work it! And you started a new trend or two in 2004!



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12:05 am - it's all about me ...
riiiight. i have no clue what i'm going to do with my life. my best friend jessica from when i was growing up got engaged over christmas. as much as i think she's just contributing to the divorce statistic, i am kinda jealous. like i made a conscious decision recently that i'm not getting married for a good five or six more years. i want to live my life and do my thing and i refuse to hit my parents up for 60 grand when i get married. i need to have a job before i get engaged that establishes me and defines me. like for example, jessi passed up taking the lsats because she really wants to be a young mom. this is before he even proposed!!! but in the same sense ... it gives her a place and a purpose. she knows where she will be next year and what she will be doing. okay whatever, i guess if you're happy .. then do your thing, playgirl. id love to have a rock on my finger and a man that adores me enough to put it there. but .. not right now...
right now .. i am so happy to be 21 years old and living my life. i do what i want and ill be damned if i get knocked up... haha, knocked up! i have good friends that hold me down and they stand by me regardless if im a sketchball that shades out all the time. "i'm carissa, i do what i want." no seriously, i called a bunch of people that i have been neglecting lately and talked to them all for a while. it was good to hear my friends and know they care. j. healz graduated this semester and he called today and was like "you're one of my best friends, i'm going to miss you. you better come up to nyc and visit me, i'll be friends with ryan, i swear. i'll do it because i dont want to lose u as a friend." like that's what i mean, i'm a bitch to j.healz, but he's my boy and he's been my friend for a long time and he's a headstrong asshole but i know he really would try to be friends with ry just in fear of me not speaking to him anymore. haha, beyond the friends, i have my man. my ryry. and he will not be proposing anytime soon! haha. no seriously, i have this man that loves me and it's not this love book storytale deal. i love it because it's so real. he's a moody brat with me and i'm a needy bitch. and that sounds so bizarre. but that's exactly who we are and that's who we become with one another. i don't showboat with him. i don't play my socialite card. he knows how needy and insecure i am and he hates it. but he knows it's me .. and not many (okay in all actuality, i don't think anyone) people do. and we're cute. we shouldnt be getting engaged ... because i do love to play wife to him. i love to lay in bed and watch tv and bring him food .. and .. (yeah ...) clean up after him ... but i like the young aspect of it ... i adore going out with him ... i love being drunk with him. i know how good we look together and i know how funny we are together. most people i know do like us as a couple together. in my mind's eye, i can see how it is when we're drunk at a bar and we're showing off and being loud and obnoxious with our friends ...and people watch and people listen and people want to hang out with us. jillian always says we're a pamela and tommy lee kind of couple ... and i dont think its just because i'm violent and hes drunk ahhahah. but i think it's because i feel like a celebrity when we're out together. like .. when its just me .. being out and being drunk im doing it and im loud and showboating, but im so insecure and i think people are hating the loud drunk girl. when its me and ry doing it, out and about, i feel confident about it. i know people are interested and want to get involved. yeah i love my man... hehe. you know, i don't know in five years if he's still around and i'm still around .. id let him put a ring on my finger. i already always say that if anything i want him to knock me up one day. i swear to god, i think we'd make the most beautiful kids. but, right now .. im really okay in not knowing anything. i hate it so much and i cry because im scared that everything (not just limited to my relationships) is uncertain. but it's a beautiful thing. its life. and i love life. i dont need a man to define me. nor do i need a definate plan or ring or anything of the sort to console me and lead the way. im just being exactly who i am and im living every day. everything can change in a moment. i think thats what brings the butterflies and the tears that i feel every day. but thats my favorite part of me.

can you tell that im changing? i really feel it. im so emotional. but im becoming more secure in me and im feeling a lot of things that arent typical of me. its 12:30 and ryan still hasnt called and you know what? i dont mind ... i don't mind if he doesnt call tonite. i'm secure. well im more secure than ive been in a while. more so, i feel pretty. i feel sexy. i haven't worked out in over a month and i feel the little pout in my stomach and i like it. i feel so womanly. i love how i look when i have sex. i love being naked. and i feel beautiful in front of my man with no makeup on and my hair a mess. i'm changing .... i don't know why ... but its good. so bizarre, but good.
Current Mood: peacefulpeaceful

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August 18th, 2004


12:12 pm - and it always works out ..

everything is okay.

me and ryan are together. for real together. like just me and him. like i'm sitting in his house in the hamptons right now alone while he's at work.

i love him. only him.

what a startling turn of events. i was just reading through my journal annnnd i havent even thought of tommy. it's only me and ryan, and isn't that what i have always wanted? i got my big.

even more bizarre. he's really, really, really good to me. like i don't worry about him doing something dumb, i trust him, he treats me well, really well. and it's not just sex, we laugh so much. i think he's so smart and so funny. we have a lot of fun together, seriously.

i stopped seeing mark. right after ryan said he was ready for just him and i .. i stopped seeing mark, and he hasnt called to see why. i think he knows, i told him it was just me and ryan.

on another note, i turned 21 this weekend. it was mad fun. friday ryan and i went to dinner at swanky bubbles and got a table in vip at bleu martini, which i work at now. i don't remember any of that. ryan took care of me. saturday we drove down the shore and went out in sea isle at midnite. sunday we went to AC and gambled our life away at the borgata.

anyway monday we drove up to long island and here i am, it's wednesday. i feel bad last nite we had a nasty fight over his number. i know i really came with it because i was drinking but its something that bothers me and it hurts because i just want him to be mine and i dont like that idea that other people have done whatever with him. i don't know that hurts. whatever. it's us now. i want him to come home and play with me.


Current Mood: tiredtired

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March 12th, 2004


02:45 am - i dont think im smart.

i had sex w/tom. i don't know if it was the brightest thing. i don't think it was necessary. we started kissing and i donno .. my hormones took control.

argghghgghghgh .. who knows.
who knows what i ever want.

arrtrrhghhg


Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: dmb - song that jane likes

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March 11th, 2004


12:27 pm - good morning, dear.
Put an X next to the things that are true for you.
(_) I NEVER HAVE BEEN DRUNK - hahah thats cute.
(_) I NEVER HAVE SMOKED POT
(_) I NEVER HAVE KISSED A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
(_) I NEVER HAVE KISSED A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX
(X) I NEVER CRASHED A FRIEND'S CAR
(X) I NEVER BEEN TO JAPAN
(_) I NEVER RODE IN A TAXI
(X) I NEVER HAD ANAL SEX - no thank you.
(_) I NEVER HAVE BEEN IN LOVE
(_) I NEVER HAD SEX
(_) I NEVER HAVE HAD SEX IN PUBLIC
(_) I NEVER HAVE BEEN DUMPED - gettin dumped is the worst. heartbreak is the worst.
(_) I NEVER SHOPLIFTED
(_) I NEVER HAVE BEEN FIRED -thank you abercrombie.
(_) I NEVER BEEN IN A FIST FIGHT - a boy punched me in the face this year.
(X) I NEVER HAD A THREESOME -came close in miami ...
(X) I NEVER BEEN CAUGHT MASTURBATING - not my deal
(_) I NEVER PISSED ON MYSELF
(X) I NEVER HAD SEX WITH A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX
(_) I NEVER BEEN ARRESTED - thank you west chester.
(_) I NEVER MADE OUT WITH A STRANGER - that's what college is all about.
(_) I NEVER STOLE SOMETHING FROM MY JOB - thank you abercrombie.
(X) I NEVER CELEBRATED NEW YEARS IN TIME SQUARE - nope, i just get wasted for new years
(_) I NEVER WENT ON A BLIND DATE - hahah, whats up match?
(_) I NEVER LIED TO A FRIEND - oh come on who hasn't and im an honest girl
(X) I NEVER HAD A CRUSH ON A TEACHER - nope, but my friend fucked a teacher in his office
(X) I NEVER CELEBRATED MARDI-GRAS IN NEW ORLEANS - nope , i think its for girls that are pigs.
(_) I NEVER SKIPPED SCHOOL
(X) I NEVER SLEPT WITH A CO-WORKER - i don't sleep w/anyone.

Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: dmb - typical situation

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02:41 am - i can't complain

well i say the passion tonite. i'm not practicing in my religion, but i def. believe there is something bigger and better than us. i cried my eyes out, really made me evaluate the way i live my life. tommy saw it w/him, he handed me a tissue, he he.

like i just started thinkin, no matter ur denomination,Jesus died b/c he believed so strongly in God. no one, regardless of their religion, can deny that. i dont think its important to practice specific rituals or follow certain rules, as long as u live a way u can be proud of and value the right things.

the movie had me thinking that maybe i dont value the right things, i put so much emphasis on money and material things, and i forget the natural beauty that lays around me, i forget that people are people and they have feelings and priorities and worries and problems just like me.

jesus went through probably the worst death i can imagine, because he believed in something. what do i believe in so strongly that i would give myself up to the hands on unforgiving, terrible people? theres people that i would give my life for -- but i would hope it would be a quick gunshot or something. i was crying watching what they were doing to him. it was the most horrific thing i ever saw. i thought of matthew shephard and eddie polec, and not to discredit them at all, but theyre deaths were not half as gruesome as jesus' and yet, we took time out to give those people proper rememberance. when in my day do i stop to thank jesus?

sorry if i sound really corny -- but the movie does make u want to go to church. it does make u want to believe in something. i think we so often loose sight of whats important and our time on earth is so short, there must be something beyond that and something greater. the question is: are we living a way that when we make it to the greater world will we be proud of how we lived our life? i feel awful talkin about this b/c im not one to push my beliefs on anyone or even talk about religion b/c i know its such an uncomfortable topic. but when i make it to the gates of heaven and i meet this man who died for everyone and in result gave birth to a religion that has been part of my life forever, will i even be worthy to speak to him. i do not want to look away in shame b/c i have sinned so badly that i feel i should hide from my God.

even if his love for us in unconditional, don't we want to live in a way he is proud for us. it is like a parent sort of relationship. our parents love us no matter what we do, but we don't want to disappoint them. could u imagine if ur parents knew everything u did at all times, no censors, no holds barred? i would die if my mom know some things, but, luckily, she doesn't. God does though. Such a frightening thought.

i feel like i should just give up sex and smoking and drinking .. but im also not goin to make promises that i can't keep. but i want to change how i treat people and what i value. i felt so shallow after i had this ephiphany b/c some people changed theyre outlook from a death or 9-11, it took a MOVIE to change my views? how stereotypical of my generation.

anyway i'm going to switch gears from a moment ....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so i woke up kinda early today (11am haha) -- went to tom's he took me to the dining car and we grabbed breakfast, i saw this girl ange that used to always hang out w/me and nic and raff. odd i dont think she recognized me though. if she did she didnt say hey. bitch .. hahah na.

we went to the gym and lifted for a whiiiile. im so sore now from it, i think i pulled my hamstring, im kinda limping haha.

came home, took a bath with some nice salts, in hopes of regenerating my hamstring, no luck. ate dinner w/the fam, ended w/me getting pissed off b/c they were talkin politics and religion and my mother always goes off on a tangent even though no one is disagreeing w/her.

i went and saw the passion w/tommy. we STILL DID NOT KISS. but we cuddled during the passion.

i made plans to go over tomorrow, hes making me eggo waffles and then we're hittin the gym.

gonna talk something else up now ....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this kid kayin is a comedian. i havent seen him perform yet. but hes from northeast and he told me hes got experience in philly.

ryan has BASE ENTERTAINMENT. his agency for fadule.

well, im gettin a management degree and then assuming im goin to law school for entertainment law. im gonna talk to ry see if he wants kayin IF i get a part in BASE ...

i like the idea. ry's not stupid, i get his nyc connections, he gets my philly. we both actually work together to form a lucrative talent agency and we'll have two talents. sooo freaking hot.

i called ry kinda gave him a rundown. well a voicemail he called me back and i told him id call him later

he called playen tough like whys this kid need me if hes in philly and im like ry hes not in nyc. so im gonna meet w/kayin for lunch on saturday. and then ill have a talk w/ry.

i'll let you know but i really like the idea of settin up a business. anyway i dont know how much longer i can keep working out and still not have a perfect stomach. its killin me but then again i just ate a handful of chocolate and its 3am.

oh yeah bflan called me from miami this morning, lucky bitch partied w/paris hilton and nick carter last nite. damnit to hell. haha.

well im not tired and the chocolate the coffee and the shit i take when i work out isnt helping but i need sleep for tomorrow -- plus my hamstring = gimp leg and my back hurts blah blah blah.

 


Current Mood: soresore
Current Music: Billy Joel - Only The Good Die Young

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March 10th, 2004


03:45 am - me and tom's convo ....

xo FOX STAR ox (1:18:25 AM): no hello
NaH MeAn51 (1:18:42 AM): chillllllll
NaH MeAn51 (1:18:48 AM): i just got on

xo FOX STAR ox (1:18:56 AM): whoa
NaH MeAn51 (1:19:02 AM): i got swormed by im's
xo FOX STAR ox (1:19:35 AM): oh ur so fucking cool
NaH MeAn51 (1:19:49 AM): i kno ur right
xo FOX STAR ox (1:20:14 AM): oh.
NaH MeAn51 (1:20:22 AM): yea probably not
xo FOX STAR ox (1:20:22 AM): :-\
NaH MeAn51 (1:20:27 AM):
xo FOX STAR ox (1:20:32 AM): ur mean to me
NaH MeAn51 (1:20:44 AM): carissa i am never mean to you
NaH MeAn51 (1:20:51 AM): i dont think i can be mean to you
xo FOX STAR ox (1:20:55 AM): why?
NaH MeAn51 (1:21:02 AM): idont kno
xo FOX STAR ox (1:22:27 AM): because im ur true love
NaH MeAn51 (1:22:40 AM): is that why
xo FOX STAR ox (1:23:19 AM): is it?
NaH MeAn51 (1:24:00 AM): maybe i dont kno
xo FOX STAR ox (1:26:18 AM): u would know if i was
xo FOX STAR ox (1:26:22 AM): wouldnt u
xo FOX STAR ox (1:26:32 AM): u have other girls now
xo FOX STAR ox (1:26:36 AM): u forgot about carissa
NaH MeAn51 (1:26:47 AM): i didnt forget about you
NaH MeAn51 (1:26:52 AM): i dont have any girls
NaH MeAn51 (1:26:59 AM): i dont even talk to girls

xo FOX STAR ox (1:28:30 AM): u talk to me
NaH MeAn51 (1:28:51 AM): thats only because your carissa
xo FOX STAR ox (1:30:52 AM): and?
NaH MeAn51 (1:31:04 AM): your lucky thats all
xo FOX STAR ox (1:31:08 AM): ooooh
xo FOX STAR ox (1:31:10 AM): harsh
NaH MeAn51 (1:31:17 AM): hows that harsh
xo FOX STAR ox (1:31:33 AM): im lucky?
xo FOX STAR ox (1:31:35 AM): ur not lucky?
NaH MeAn51 (1:31:41 AM): im very lucky
xo FOX STAR ox (1:33:16 AM): be nice to me
NaH MeAn51 (1:33:26 AM): im not being mean
xo FOX STAR ox (1:34:33 AM): i know ur not ... but say real nice stuff
NaH MeAn51 (1:37:12 AM): real nice stuff
xo FOX STAR ox (1:37:25 AM): tommmmm
NaH MeAn51 (1:37:51 AM): yes maam

xo FOX STAR ox (1:38:34 AM): say sweet things
NaH MeAn51 (1:38:58 AM): sweet things
xo FOX STAR ox (1:39:32 AM): jerk
NaH MeAn51 (1:39:40 AM): i kno im sorry
NaH MeAn51 (1:39:45 AM): alright im going to bed
xo FOX STAR ox (1:39:50 AM): no
NaH MeAn51 (1:39:53 AM): ill wake you up in the morning
xo FOX STAR ox (1:39:55 AM): me and jessie are readin ur ims
xo FOX STAR ox (1:40:07 AM): and hes attackin my face
xo FOX STAR ox (1:40:10 AM): lickin me to death
xo FOX STAR ox (1:40:16 AM): i cant even see the screen
NaH MeAn51 (1:40:17 AM): give jessie a kiss goodnight for me
xo FOX STAR ox (1:40:24 AM): tom talk to me
NaH MeAn51 (1:40:40 AM): i talked to you all day
xo FOX STAR ox (1:40:53 AM): please
NaH MeAn51 (1:41:08 AM): please what
xo FOX STAR ox (1:41:28 AM): whats goin on
NaH MeAn51 (1:41:49 AM): nothing im just finishing my laundry
xo FOX STAR ox (1:41:56 AM): do u like me
NaH MeAn51 (1:42:10 AM): you should kno
NaH MeAn51 (1:42:15 AM): i dont like you i love you
xo FOX STAR ox (1:42:28 AM): but what kind of love
xo FOX STAR ox (1:42:33 AM): like explain to me whats goin on w/us
NaH MeAn51 (1:42:44 AM): every kind of love possible
NaH MeAn51 (1:42:58 AM): i dont kno whats goin on with us
xo FOX STAR ox (1:43:38 AM): its so comfortable w/u
xo FOX STAR ox (1:43:41 AM): it feels liek home
xo FOX STAR ox (1:43:44 AM): but im so scared
NaH MeAn51 (1:43:49 AM): like home
NaH MeAn51 (1:43:50 AM): haha
xo FOX STAR ox (1:43:56 AM): it does though
NaH MeAn51 (1:44:29 AM): yea i would say so cause whenever im with you everything is fine and relaxing
xo FOX STAR ox (1:44:42 AM): i dont act like that w/ other boys
NaH MeAn51 (1:44:59 AM): thats cause you didnt date them for 3 years
xo FOX STAR ox (1:45:10 AM): i was thinkin how if i acted around u like that to other people more people would like me
NaH MeAn51 (1:45:13 AM): we were basically jointed at the hip
xo FOX STAR ox (1:45:13 AM): im so much realer w/u
NaH MeAn51 (1:46:03 AM): thats because we are so comfortable around each other

xo FOX STAR ox (1:47:21 AM): and why are we back here again?
xo FOX STAR ox (1:47:24 AM): ur so good to me
xo FOX STAR ox (1:47:27 AM): there isnt boys like u out there
NaH MeAn51 (1:48:13 AM): there are there just hard to find
xo FOX STAR ox (1:49:23 AM): no ur the only one
xo FOX STAR ox (1:50:25 AM): uve always took care of me
NaH MeAn51 (1:50:34 AM): thats my job
xo FOX STAR ox (1:51:06 AM): and im not sure why we're back here though
NaH MeAn51 (1:51:36 AM): i dont kno either

xo FOX STAR ox (1:53:33 AM): are we gonna kiss
NaH MeAn51 (1:53:51 AM): i dont kno
xo FOX STAR ox (1:54:06 AM): have u wanted to
NaH MeAn51 (1:54:29 AM): yea but then i dont
NaH MeAn51 (1:55:05 AM): if  i kiss you i dont kno whats its gonna do to me
xo FOX STAR ox (1:55:15 AM): why
NaH MeAn51 (1:55:43 AM): i dont kno
xo FOX STAR ox (1:55:59 AM): no explain
NaH MeAn51 (1:56:50 AM): cause it will bring back to much stuff

xo FOX STAR ox (1:57:26 AM): yeah .... it hurts to hear u talk about the shore .. it hurts to hear u say another girl is hot .. i dont know i just always feel liek ur mine
NaH MeAn51 (1:58:18 AM): i feel the same way
xo FOX STAR ox (1:59:59 AM): part of me just wants to sleep in ur room and have u hold me and kiss me and part of me is so scarexd
xo FOX STAR ox (2:00:04 AM): im crying now thinkin about it
NaH MeAn51 (2:01:35 AM): thats my whole deal, im scared of kissing you because i dont kno whats gonna happen,  im scared of what its gonna feel like
xo FOX STAR ox (2:02:37 AM): u know the other nite when i called u late at nite and left u a voicemail
NaH MeAn51 (2:02:47 AM): yea
xo FOX STAR ox (2:02:54 AM): could u tell i was crien
NaH MeAn51 (2:02:58 AM): yea
xo FOX STAR ox (2:03:45 AM): u always know
NaH MeAn51 (2:04:00 AM): its not hard to tell if someone is cryin though
xo FOX STAR ox (2:04:13 AM): but u always do
xo FOX STAR ox (2:05:10 AM): to me -- when its just me and u, u become the m ost beautiful person b/c i feel more like myself than with anyone els
xo FOX STAR ox (2:05:10 AM): e
xo FOX STAR ox (2:05:19 AM): ur home to me
NaH MeAn51 (2:05:45 AM): im glad i make you feel like that
NaH MeAn51 (2:05:49 AM): thats good
xo FOX STAR ox (2:05:51 AM): and these past couple days i dont know how many times i have wished u would just kiss me and then been so scared that u might kiss me
NaH MeAn51 (2:06:08 AM): i was gonna a couple times but i stopped myself
xo FOX STAR ox (2:09:13 AM): i hurt so bad when u left ... and ive been hurt badly since. but not like i was hurt by u .. i got my heart broken by you ... other guys just hurt me by makin me feel like shit
xo FOX STAR ox (2:09:56 AM): i feel so much for u
xo FOX STAR ox (2:09:57 AM): i always have
NaH MeAn51 signed on at 2:10:24 AM.
xo FOX STAR ox (2:11:02 AM): sorry i lost connection for a hot minute
NaH MeAn51 (2:11:15 AM): a hot one huh
xo FOX STAR ox (2:11:36 AM): sorry did u read what i wrote
NaH MeAn51 (2:11:45 AM): yes i did
xo FOX STAR ox (2:11:51 AM): ok
NaH MeAn51 (2:12:42 AM): alright you im gonna get going
NaH MeAn51 (2:13:04 AM): ill wake you up sometime tommorow

xo FOX STAR ox (2:13:49 AM): u dont even talk about this
NaH MeAn51 (2:14:02 AM): i wrote back to you
xo FOX STAR ox (2:14:15 AM): i didnt get it
NaH MeAn51 (2:14:34 AM): xo FOX STAR ox:  and these past couple days i dont know how many times i have wished u would just kiss me and then been so scared that u might kiss me
 NaH MeAn51:  i was gonna a couple times but i stopped myself
xo FOX STAR ox (2:15:03 AM): did u see what i wrote after
NaH MeAn51 (2:15:07 AM): nope
xo FOX STAR ox (2:15:27 AM): xo FOX STAR ox (2:09:13 AM): i hurt so bad when u left ... and ive been hurt badly since. but not like i was hurt by u .. i got my heart broken by you ... other guys just hurt me by makin me feel like shit
xo FOX STAR ox (2:09:56 AM): i feel so much for u
xo FOX STAR ox (2:09:57 AM): i always have
NaH MeAn51 (2:17:23 AM): i knew i hurt you when i left you but i really didnt have any other choice, we were fighting over stupid shit, i was so bitter you cheated on me, we definitely needed time off to vent
xo FOX STAR ox (2:17:41 AM): u were mad about that
xo FOX STAR ox (2:17:43 AM): ?
NaH MeAn51 (2:17:44 AM): you know how i feel about you, even when i broke up with you my love for you never changed

xo FOX STAR ox (2:17:50 AM): i really didnt know that
NaH MeAn51 (2:17:53 AM): it hurt me just as much as it hurt you
xo FOX STAR ox (2:18:04 AM): i felt bad
xo FOX STAR ox (2:18:08 AM): thats why i tried to break up w/u
NaH MeAn51 (2:18:25 AM): i kno
xo FOX STAR ox (2:18:34 AM): i wish u were hear rite now to hold me
xo FOX STAR ox (2:18:36 AM): and wipe my tears
NaH MeAn51 (2:18:56 AM): i wish i could hold you
xo FOX STAR ox (2:20:19 AM): i didnt know i felt this strongly about u still this week but ive cried so much
NaH MeAn51 (2:22:19 AM): i dont kno what to say
xo FOX STAR ox (2:22:31 AM): i wish u were here
NaH MeAn51 (2:23:13 AM): you'll be alright, you'll see me in like 12 hours


NaH MeAn51 (2:23:30 AM): maybe
xo FOX STAR ox (2:23:32 AM): i wish i was just layin in ur bed talkin and cuddling and ud wipe my tears away
NaH MeAn51 (2:25:07 AM): so come over ill cuddle you, your mom wont mind
xo FOX STAR ox (2:25:42 AM): hahahh
NaH MeAn51 (2:26:11 AM): that was a good one huh
xo FOX STAR ox (2:26:51 AM): yea .. rite ..
xo FOX STAR ox (2:26:54 AM): tommy ur my favorite
NaH MeAn51 (2:27:50 AM): your my favorite carissima
xo FOX STAR ox (2:28:14 AM): tell me about tomorrow
NaH MeAn51 (2:29:41 AM): ill wake you up, we'll eat breakfast, then we will go workout, and go SWIMMING
xo FOX STAR ox (2:29:56 AM): im gonna look fat in my baathing suit
NaH MeAn51 (2:30:11 AM): DONT WORRY I WONT LOOK
xo FOX STAR ox (2:30:41 AM): are u gonna kiss
xo FOX STAR ox (2:30:45 AM): *me*
NaH MeAn51 (2:30:55 AM): am i allowed to
xo FOX STAR ox (2:31:53 AM): i wanted to kiss u when we are at joes door
xo FOX STAR ox (2:31:59 AM): but i want it to be perfect
NaH MeAn51 (2:32:14 AM): what when we knocked
xo FOX STAR ox (2:33:00 AM): yea
NaH MeAn51 (2:33:11 AM): you should of dogged me
NaH MeAn51 (2:33:21 AM): i dogged you the first time we kissed
xo FOX STAR ox (2:33:28 AM): i want it to be nice if we kiss
NaH MeAn51 (2:33:46 AM): how else would it be
xo FOX STAR ox (2:34:11 AM): not a dogging
NaH MeAn51 (2:34:25 AM): dogging's hot
xo FOX STAR ox (2:35:33 AM): no
xo FOX STAR ox (2:35:35 AM): must be nice
NaH MeAn51 (2:36:02 AM): im always nice
xo FOX STAR ox (2:37:12 AM): then doggin isnt nice
NaH MeAn51 (2:37:34 AM): fine
xo FOX STAR ox (2:37:40 AM): ur angry?
NaH MeAn51 (2:37:47 AM): haha no im not
xo FOX STAR ox (2:39:19 AM): do u still think im pretty
NaH MeAn51 (2:39:32 AM): nope
NaH MeAn51 (2:39:38 AM): i think your beautiful
xo FOX STAR ox (2:40:15 AM): even like today when i was gross and no make up
NaH MeAn51 (2:40:27 AM): it doesnt matter
xo FOX STAR ox (2:40:47 AM): ur makin me smile
NaH MeAn51 (2:40:48 AM): make up or not i think your beautiful
xo FOX STAR ox (2:41:30 AM): sometimes i just think i should just hold on to u so tight b/c i dont think ill ever meet someone else who is as good to me as u
NaH MeAn51 (2:41:58 AM): you cant hold on too tight i might be able to breathe
xo FOX STAR ox (2:42:46 AM): i get so mad thinkin about u w/other girls
xo FOX STAR ox (2:42:47 AM): is that bad
NaH MeAn51 (2:43:14 AM): no thats the way you feel
xo FOX STAR ox (2:43:25 AM): im selfish when it comes to u
xo FOX STAR ox (2:43:35 AM): im so scared
xo FOX STAR ox (2:43:50 AM): i feel like in 3 days i realized that u still hold my heart and i had not a clue
NaH MeAn51 (2:44:45 AM): thats because i basically pushed myself away from you and kno we are actually talkin and spending time with each other
|
NaH MeAn51 (2:45:13 AM): your my heart
xo FOX STAR ox (2:45:30 AM): still?
NaH MeAn51 (2:45:42 AM): yea it never changed
xo FOX STAR ox (2:46:05 AM): did u miss me when u were w/jess
NaH MeAn51 (2:46:27 AM): of course
NaH MeAn51 (2:46:45 AM): no girl can make me feel the way you make me feel
NaH MeAn51 (2:47:11 AM): i dont kno theres just something about you
xo FOX STAR ox (2:47:12 AM): i love that
xo FOX STAR ox (2:47:20 AM): why? no one else ever likes me
xo FOX STAR ox (2:47:22 AM): ur the only one
NaH MeAn51 (2:47:38 AM): i dont kno
xo FOX STAR ox (2:47:54 AM): i try to explain to people that ur my nick lachey
NaH MeAn51 (2:48:04 AM): what
NaH MeAn51 (2:48:13 AM): haha
xo FOX STAR ox (2:48:18 AM): u put up w/my shit and u do things for me ... u remind me of how nick lachey is w/her
NaH MeAn51 (2:49:13 AM): so thats a good thing
xo FOX STAR ox (2:49:30 AM): i know it is
xo FOX STAR ox (2:49:35 AM): no one else is good to me
xo FOX STAR ox (2:51:15 AM): im so independent and fierce all the time its nice to have someone who takes care of me for once
NaH MeAn51 (2:52:48 AM): ill always take care of you no matter what

NaH MeAn51 (2:52:54 AM): your my little angel
xo FOX STAR ox (2:53:13 AM): wasnt it nice whne we were l;ayin together watchin that movie
NaH MeAn51 (2:53:39 AM): yea it was, i didnt want the movie to end

NaH MeAn51 (2:54:09 AM): except for your bootycall
xo FOX STAR ox (2:54:30 AM): ha, i was hoping u didnt realize
NaH MeAn51 (2:54:49 AM): its not hard to tell
xo FOX STAR ox (2:54:54 AM): why?
NaH MeAn51 (2:55:06 AM): why what
xo FOX STAR ox (2:55:13 AM): how is not hard to tell
NaH MeAn51 (2:56:00 AM): ummm im a guy, theres only one thing that im thinkin if im calling a girl past 1
xo FOX STAR ox (2:56:17 AM): i got the call at 12:55
NaH MeAn51 (2:57:16 AM): okay im sorry let me rephrase that, theres only one thing that im thinking if i call a girl past 12
xo FOX STAR ox (2:57:37 AM): u looked mad when i got off the phone
NaH MeAn51 (2:57:44 AM): i wasnt mad
xo FOX STAR ox (2:57:48 AM): what are u thinkin if u call a girl past 12?]
NaH MeAn51 (2:58:09 AM): wanna watch tv
xo FOX STAR ox (2:58:28 AM): but did i go?
NaH MeAn51 (2:58:50 AM): no i didnt say u did
xo FOX STAR ox (2:59:08 AM): i stayed w/my tpp

after this ... its just nonsense .. we talk about our plans tomorrow and blah blah blah but we did say i love yous when we got off ... i just didnt want to waste ya'lls time with another huge convo that was unnecessary ... what do u guys think? argghhh

Goodnite Guys.


Current Music: Whitney Houston - Try It On My Own

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03:37 am - well this is what i did, bitch

today. i woke up late .. like 3.

i went to tom's ... he made me french fries ...

we picked up nick from school.

we went to the gym. worked out like it was our job.

i went tanning. tommy waited in the car.

went out to eat sushi. tommy tried sushi (california roll) - liked it. i've told him for years now that he would.

went over joe d.'s ... hung out .. randy and double came out. good to see them

seein them all made me realize how far i have come. i am no longer that northeast girl that thinks being ghetto is cool. i realize how uneducated they are. and i feel bad sayin that b/c they are nice people, but with randy and double are not in school and they dont exactly say the most intelligent things. and i know a lot of the northeast kids would say that im being a snob about them and im always a snob about the northeast but thats not it at all. its just --- the things they say don't exactly make them smart. and im not saying u need college to make u smart , but u need more than smoking weed and chilling w/the same boys in northeast philadelphia that u have chilled with since grade school.

anyway -- joe d. is having a party friday i think i'm gonna go .. i asked colleen to go. more like i left her an im b/c she was away. that should be fun i suppose.

i dropped tom off and came back here. he's takin me out to breakfast tomorrow and then we're goin to the gym and goin swimming. it should be fun. so i gotta wake up early. so i'm  heading to bed but i'm gonna post this convo that me and tom had tonite ... rather than me just sayin where im at .. u guys read it and tell me ur suggestions and what u think that i should do ...

 

ok?? i expect to see comments b/c i've been cryin about this all nite -- its heavy on my head and my heart ....

i dont want a relationship right now, i think ... but if something feels right ... what do u do?


Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: DMB - Where Are You Going

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March 9th, 2004


03:10 pm - just random ..

 i have  a gym and lunch date w/tommy that i'm late for ... but i'm nervous .. argh.

i'm not doing my hair for it thought ... or my makeup.

i don't know this interest makes no sense i just feel like stalling and typing this.

its rainy and gloomy. argh this is spring break , bitch!

i'll let you know how it goes....


Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: carpenters - rainy days and mondays

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04:29 am - me and giorgi on relationships ....
xo FOX STAR ox (3:59:37 AM): do u think dooter and kate will get married
IWeArBaGgYpAnTs (3:59:47 AM): probably
xo FOX STAR ox (3:59:58 AM): hm
xo FOX STAR ox (4:00:01 AM): i hate that shit
IWeArBaGgYpAnTs (4:00:11 AM): what
xo FOX STAR ox (4:00:43 AM): those couples that have been together forever and blah blah blah
xo FOX STAR ox (4:00:45 AM): its liek we're young
IWeArBaGgYpAnTs (4:01:07 AM): well i hate that shit now too
xo FOX STAR ox (4:01:29 AM): hahaha fuck that
xo FOX STAR ox (4:01:30 AM): we're young
IWeArBaGgYpAnTs (4:01:47 AM): true
IWeArBaGgYpAnTs (4:02:01 AM): but we're gettin old fast too
xo FOX STAR ox (4:02:04 AM): no we're not
xo FOX STAR ox (4:02:07 AM): im only 20
IWeArBaGgYpAnTs (4:02:23 AM): and college flew by
xo FOX STAR ox (4:02:41 AM): yeah it did
IWeArBaGgYpAnTs (4:03:03 AM): but i know what u mean , i guess everyone looks to our parents, like , wow , they got married young , so should we
xo FOX STAR ox (4:03:19 AM): but we shouldnt this is a different age.
xo FOX STAR ox (4:03:25 AM): its all about ur career and ur money and ur life
xo FOX STAR ox (4:03:30 AM): make ur life and then worry about the other shit
IWeArBaGgYpAnTs (4:03:38 AM): very true
xo FOX STAR ox (4:03:40 AM): b/c lord knows most of them will end up in divorce neway
IWeArBaGgYpAnTs (4:03:50 AM): exactly
IWeArBaGgYpAnTs (4:04:01 AM): cause married life is alot different than dating
xo FOX STAR ox (4:04:19 AM): oh for sure.
xo FOX STAR ox (4:04:33 AM): even if u live together n blah blah blah .. a life long commitment is totally different
xo FOX STAR ox (4:04:39 AM): and people our age underestimate that
IWeArBaGgYpAnTs (4:04:47 AM): i totally agree
xo FOX STAR ox (4:04:48 AM): ur pledging everything to one person for eternity
xo FOX STAR ox (4:04:53 AM): thats why i dont want the b/f thing
xo FOX STAR ox (4:05:01 AM): i saw tommy my ex that i was w/for three yrs tonite
xo FOX STAR ox (4:05:03 AM): n he still loves me
xo FOX STAR ox (4:05:10 AM): n he cant get why i wont be w/him
xo FOX STAR ox (4:05:17 AM): and we can be sweet and i probably will end up marryin him
xo FOX STAR ox (4:05:22 AM): for now though, no im 20
xo FOX STAR ox (4:05:24 AM): im doing it now
xo FOX STAR ox (4:05:33 AM): im being single and being selfish while i can
IWeArBaGgYpAnTs (4:05:48 AM): i just wanna have fun , and if i meet the one , i meet the one , i'm not pushing the issue anymore
xo FOX STAR ox (4:06:23 AM): exactly. be selfish, ur allowed to be
IWeArBaGgYpAnTs (4:06:33 AM): true
xo FOX STAR ox (4:06:43 AM): nows the time that u can be a dick and have fun, b/c u know when u meet someone worth while
xo FOX STAR ox (4:06:55 AM): be urself, dont put up walls b/c that makes u miss out on the important people
IWeArBaGgYpAnTs (4:06:57 AM): amen my sister 
xo FOX STAR ox (4:07:06 AM): but its all about friends and fun and no regrets
xo FOX STAR ox (4:07:17 AM): i spent so much time upset over tommy and me and now that he wants us back i cant do it
IWeArBaGgYpAnTs (4:07:22 AM): live every day that way
xo FOX STAR ox (4:07:31 AM): i love my life and lord knows i have enough issues w/o dealing w/someone elses
xo FOX STAR ox (4:07:42 AM): thats why i cant get those people that wanna date those people they think theyre gonna marry
xo FOX STAR ox (4:07:50 AM): if theyre it, they'll be it in 10 years
xo FOX STAR ox (4:07:56 AM): but for now -- do it up ..
xo FOX STAR ox (4:08:08 AM): b/c u dont wanna be that person that decides u missed out when u have 2 kids and a job
IWeArBaGgYpAnTs (4:08:20 AM): ha
IWeArBaGgYpAnTs (4:08:34 AM): if its meant to be , its meant to be
xo FOX STAR ox (4:08:39 AM): precisely
IWeArBaGgYpAnTs (4:08:46 AM): have fun till it finds u
xo FOX STAR ox (4:08:53 AM): god thats so true
xo FOX STAR ox (4:08:56 AM): thats my new mantra
xo FOX STAR ox (4:09:02 AM): i love it
IWeArBaGgYpAnTs (4:09:02 AM): haha
xo FOX STAR ox (4:09:15 AM): we're having an inspiring conversation tonite, giorgi
IWeArBaGgYpAnTs (4:09:24 AM): that we did
xo FOX STAR ox (4:09:36 AM): tom asked me today while im always up late at crackhead hours, it's b/c im most creative at nite
xo FOX STAR ox (4:09:37 AM): i think best
xo FOX STAR ox (4:09:40 AM): i think clearly

Current Music: Coldplay - Trouble

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